Dancing through the Berlin winter from hell
Will a swing dance class get me through this icy winter and help process (some of) my anger?
Berlin is an absolute nightmare at the moment. We’re all falling about everywhere.
“Six or seven people I know have broken bones in the last fortnight,” my friend Chris said when I dropped by his work to get a bowl of hot noodles on yet another treacherous evening.
The ice is refusing to melt. Or when it does, it turns to slippy slush. The snow keeps popping back every few days; a fresh layer on the ground in the morning when I wake up.
The temperature dropped to -10C the other day. I went outside for some air and my whole face started streaming like a tap.
I’m wearing thermals under everything. You can’t leave the house without grippy boots, a hat, gloves and a scarf on top of the same winter jacket you’ve been wearing for months. Spring? Summer? No idea what they are. It’s been winter forever.
Berlin got a flash of blue sky on Tuesday afternoon and I stopped everything to rush outside, just to bank it. To get it through my eyeballs so my brain knew that it still existed.
(this Instagram slideshow sums it up beautifully)
Getting through bad times
In the book Wintering, Katherine May writes:
“We must learn to invite the winter in… learning to recognise the process, engage with it mindfully, even to cherish it. We may never choose to winter, but we can choose how.”
I’ve been thinking a lot about the concept of not just surviving winter, but making the most of it. It’s a beautiful idea and one that I try so very hard to put into action but it’s not easy.
A few days of snow where life gets put on hold is fine. There are ways of romanticising those kinds of periods, usually by cosying up with films, clutching a warm mug of hot chocolate or hiding under blankets.
But weeks of not being able to walk outside properly, as we’ve experienced in Berlin, take a toll. The German Weather Service said Berlin had the coldest January in 16 years. There’s simply nothing romantic about it. It’s tiring. It’s uninspiring. Not seeing the sun for days, weeks on end is not healthy.
To make matters worse, I find myself in a dark winter of the soul. Not to be overly dramatic but it is pretty bad.
I went through what I thought was a standard breakup in December. Sad but perfectly manageable. Then I joined the centuries of mostly women – but not just women – but mostly women before me. Reader: I found out I was in a relationship with a serial cheater. Without getting into all the gory details (at least not yet), it’s fair to say that I was betrayed spectacularly.
It’s a lot to process. It’s a rollercoaster and my emotional state is not helped by the unsteady ground underneath (although I’m amazed that I have stayed upright so far despite a few almost-crashes on the sneaky ice patches).
Winter+anger
One of the many emotions I’m feeling at the moment is anger. It bubbles up and sloshes around like the lentil soup I make on the coldest days.
I’m angry at the guy who deceived me. Oh, I’m angry about that.
I’m also angry at the weather in Berlin. What kind of nonsense is this? I feel horrible, I missed out on my Christmas trip to SUNNY LA (sob) and this is the weather I’m getting? Are you serious?
I’m angry that the local authorities in Berlin refused to grit the pavements because of environmental reasons, except they use it on the roads for cars. It’s 2026 and they haven’t worked out how to make icy surfaces safer? Do they want us all to die??!!
I’m angry at the world. Pretty much about everything. I’m angry at the other kind of ice, over there in the US and the absolute shitshow that whole country has got going on. I’m angry that all these men in the Epstein files aren’t getting thrown in jail (and please throw away the key). I’m angry at the egomaniacs invading other countries and how normal people who simply want to live their lives are killed or injured or forced into situations they do not want.
I’m angry at the Tories in the UK, I’m angry at Reform, I’m angry at the racists, I’m angry at the Labour government, I’m angry at the SNP, I’m angry at Brexit and I’m angry that services for people with disabilities and mental health needs are never seen as essential and get cut to save money.
I’m angry at billionaires. I’m angry at Margaret Thatcher, Ronald Reagan and at Aberdeen City Council for mismanaging so much and also closing my local library back home and letting the beach leisure centre fall into disrepair.
I’m angry at a lot of other things too which I will not list here, but if we ever go for a beer together we can get it all out on the table.
Doing something, despite everything
So I’ve joined a beginners swing dance class. It’s Lindy Hop, which originated in Black communities in 1920s/30s Harlem, and now appears to be the social dance of choice in Berlin.
It’s on a Monday evening which is a special kind of torture because who wants to leave their house on a freezing cold Monday, the first and most difficult day of the week?
But it’s just lovely when I’m there.
In our little Kreuzberg mirrored studio, everything melts away. For one hour I feel the clammy hands of strangers while the charming instructors gently shout instructions.
We bop around, rocking back and forth on our feet listening to the jazzy swing music, laughing when we make mistakes.
“Rock back, slow, slow. Rock, back, slow, slow,” the instructors say over and over.
I cannot think about anything else because I must focus on what my feet are doing. Sometimes I try and do the social thing of making a joke or saying: “Look at us, we’re doing it right!”
And then I immediately mess up. “No, I can’t speak, I have to focus,” I tell my partner. Over and over in my head: rock back slow, slow. Rock back slow, slow. Rock back, slow, slow. Rock back slow, slow.
I suppose I do know that the winter will end. The winter will end and I won’t have to be so angry about it being winter and the ground being so slippy.
Everything else I’m not too sure about, but at least I’m out there dancing and that’s something.
Thank you so much for reading! Please leave a comment if you’re angry too :)
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Beautifully written, Berlin winter has been brutal this year, any way of finding respite is a big plus
Lovely bit of writing Rachel. I always like how you express your anger both personal and the world about us through words. Added to that is the positive experience of your dance sessions. You are hurting but part of the healing is moving on. Thank you.
The whole of Europe has suffered this winter. However bear a thought for civilians in Kiev and other locations in Ukraine who are suffering without electricity, heat and the other basic necessities of life. That makes me angry.