I’m 39 and I know nothing. Except this
Being delulu and other life lessons as I enter the last year of my 30s (from a Berlin-based Scottish writer).
Hi friends,
It’s that time of year in Berlin when the wasps are hellbent on ruining your life. If they’re not getting in your face or arriving through your open window, they are trying to snatch whatever’s on your plate.
I watched a wasp dive straight into my Guinness outside an Irish pub next to the River Spree. It gorged itself, bathing half its body in the drink before hopping about the glass.
Wasp season signals the end of summer is coming. It’s not here yet, but it’s on the way. The wasps are on the way out too; this is their last gasp for life.
To have a good time. That may be why I graciously offered that Guinness to the wasp and told it - gaun’ yersel, mate. To be fair I had no choice.
Another lap around the sun
Which brings me to the topic of today. A few weeks ago I turned 39. I love a birthday. It was a quiet one this year. But the little date on the calendar does help me take stock.
The title of this letter is inspired by a random note I left myself in my phone’s notes app, scribbled while walking around my neighbourhood.
I like that it reminds me of that Baz Luhrmann song Everybody’s Free (to Wear Sunscreen), which is based on a graduation speech by journalist Mary Schmich. You know, it’s quite a banger.
What I mean by the title is the older I get, the more I realise how little I know. In the best way possible. Because I (and we) change all the time as we learn and grow. Change our minds, change what we like and dislike, flip and flop all over the place.
Saying that, I feel like before I head into my 40s, I have learned a few things (although it’s always a work in progress). So today, I’m sharing a gathering of thoughts about life and getting older.
I wonder if you relate to any, or what your nuggets of advice are. Share them in the comments at the end or send me a message. I’d love to hear them!
Accept the champagne
When I travelled to LA earlier this year, I flew via Paris on Air France and let me tell you… Air France is the shit. It’s so French. They serve champagne with dinner and they will give you endless glasses of wine (and more champagne if you ask). I was so nervous I only had Coke Zero and water. My mistake haunts me.
My row mate in the middle seat took advantage of it. Clearly a nice guy but he could not sit still. He was up and down, up and down, up and down that whole 11 hours. He also wrote a note to me on his phone telling me to hit him if he “snorkels”. (Friends, he did snorkel during a short nap and I actually had to push his arm, it was very loud). The man in the window seat didn’t move the whole time. We were an unlikely trio.
Many people on the flight were changing in LA and heading on to French Polynesia. The atmosphere was buzzing. People (including my middle seat mate) were gathering by the soft drinks cart and chatting for hours. It was pleasant to be around even though I got almost no sleep.
As the flight went on, I thought about how I could learn from laid-back middle row guy. I want to be the kind of person who has champagne on a flight when it is offered. My god, why not! Rather than stressing all the time, I could do with being less uptight.
In other words: chill out. Nothing is that serious most of the time. Have a laugh. Sip on a drink. Enjoy the moment even when the situation isn’t ideal.
You don’t have to optimise your life
I’ve had some interesting chats with a few Gen Zs recently (I am a tragic millennial, I know) and one thing stood out: they seemed to be stuck in the algorithm. Conversations revolved around themes of self improvement and “doing better”.
There’s so much pressure these days to optimise every moment. The world would have us believe we have to be efficient at all times. Get up at 5am, put red light on your face, do a gym class, go to work, eat macro, do your side hustle, sleep well, educate yourself, post on LinkedIn etc.
None of this is bad if you genuinely enjoy it, but not everything has to be about self-improvement. It’s easy to think, “Man, I’m so lazy because I got up at 9am and spent an hour on my phone.” But life is not a Pinterest board. It’s okay to just sit and eat crisps!
Be deliberately unproductive. Read a book because you enjoy it, not because it optimises your life. You can mess up. You don’t need to feel guilty for doing nothing in your 20s! Or any time.
Rip it up and start again
I’m not known to be someone who likes change, but it’s inevitable. Now with a few decades under my belt, I realise that we have to start over again and again in life. Sometimes by choice, sometimes not. You have to be ready to make yourself uncomfortable.
On a similar note, I am also a little sad to realise that most relationships are not meant to last, or they will at least go through different seasons. Friendships and romantic partnerships come to an end naturally. It’s not a failure. This was devastating for 12-year-old me and even early adult me who felt every ending was a tragedy.
Let them impress you
I’ve spent way too much of my life trying to impress other people. Trying to convince (at times ghastly) editors that I’m good at journalism or that I deserve an assignment. I’ve been in too many conversations where I’ve felt like I have to earn the chance to speak or be taken seriously.
I’ve tried to act a certain way on dates, holding back my opinions and being aware of the way my face is sitting. Absolutely no way. Those days are done. That ship has sailed.
As Britney said…
This isn’t to say don’t try hard. Try your very best if it means a lot to you. But there are people who don’t deserve your blood, sweat and tears. They should be impressing you! If someone isn’t treating you nicely, don’t double down and prove them wrong. Thank you, next!
I will admit that practising this mindset is tricky for me at the moment now that I’m freelance and having to find lots of different people to work with. But the advice remains that if someone is messing you about, it’s not worth it.
I tell myself: “This is beneath me.” And, honestly, I think it gives off good energy. At the very least it will align you with people who value you and your work.
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